I am so exhausted. life just seems like nonstop papers, projects, midterms, worship practices, ministry, friends, life. It’s all good things, just need a breather. it’s good to know when life is busy an hard that God is faithful to carry us through and that He is in control of everything.

anyway, yesterday at aacf we actually had a full worship team and the very first song we lead was “Hosanna” by Hillsongs. I love this song and everyone’s favorite part seems to be the bridge 

“Heal my heart and make it clean 

 Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into 
Eternity”

that has always been my favorite part too but the 2 months I spent in Thailand changed this song for me forever. 

The night we ended up at Patpong Night bazaar - the red light district- was my single most difficult night in Thailand. I know i’ll never be able to fully communicate what i experienced that night, nor do i really ever want to… The street was lined with girls waiting for their customers that night and loud party music with flashing neon lights surrounded us. The darkness in that place was so thick that it felt heavy on my chest. I remember little girls running around the venders while men stood around “ordering” what they wanted from the girls. People kept coming up to us farangs (foreigners) assuming that that’s what we were here for. I peered inside one of the bars, curious to see what was like inside.. but i could only handle a few seconds. it was gross.. and dirty.. and a place that desperately needed Jesus. I know that every single one of the 4000 prostitutes on that street sit alone in the morning when their work is done and wonder if there is anyone who truly loves them. Their heart aches for someone tell them they love them in a pure way. They don’t know that Jesus is jealous for their hearts and he wants them.

We we finally made our way out of Patpong, our taxi ride back was silent at first. Our hearts were broken for what we saw. We cried for the girls, the kids, and even the men in that place. and thats when those words of Hosanna “break my heart for what breaks yours” came back to me. What an answered prayer. God sees prostitution every single day… he sees sin destroying our lives and his heart breaks… He broke my heart for what breaks his. and it was so painful. I think what a lot of us don’t realize is what a scary prayer it can be to ask God to break our hearts. That night is forever imprinted in my heart… and it still hurts when I remember the brokeness in that place. and so last night while we were singing the Hosanna… i was almost afraid to sing the words. There is so much brokeness that only God sees. and tho it can be almost scary to have our hearts break, it is also special to catch a glimpse of God’s heart… that I may learn to care for the things God cares about.. that i may love those who God loves.

It’s a blessing to join God in his ministry and to be used by him.

and so… I pray that God will give me the strength for the next time he breaks my heart for what breaks his.

c: blee

This is one of the girls from the world vision day we helped out with while we were in thailand. I don’t know this little girl’s name… but i remember her face very distinctly. and i cant help but be a little sad when i see this picture of her sitting all alone with no one to share her meal with. but what this really reminds me of are the prostitutes from the red light district. After their long work night at Patpong, selling themselves to men all night long, they probably go home, sit all alone in a room and wonder “is there anyone out there who really loves me? Does anyone even notice I’m alive? and that i’m not just something to be bought night after night? They might not show or think about it when they’re out working or out with their friends, but when they’re all alone that God shaped hole in their heart that only God can fill probably seems bigger than ever. Pray that these girls in Patpong would recognize that nothing is going to fill that hole but Jesus. That their eyes would be open to Rahab Ministries right in the middle of their street and they would go learn about Jesus.

Also, eat with someone eating alone this week (: share some Jesus love.

Here’s the picture of mabhang i was looking for in the last post (:

I was never much of a crier. Sure, i cried when I was sad… or overwhelmed. But I never cried over a lot of things that other people do… like the lifehouse “Everything skit”, chick flicks… or when a super emotional thing happens. They evoked emotion… but it never brought tears and i figured i just wasn’t that kind of person.

Since coming back from thailand… so many things move my heart to tears. Especially things that are close to what God broke my heart for this summer. I’ve started to listen to worship music in Thai because I love and want to learn it. and every time i listen to it I get all teary just thinking that maybe one day those people we hung out with in thailand will sing praises to God in their tongue. and its beautiful. one day they’re going to know the love of God and they will sing and rest in his peace. 

it always reminds me of the saturday after saturday school when Mabhang stayed in the church for “guitar lessons” (which was just random strumming without chords haha). We sat there in the church singing “Pra Jao sen di” (God is so good) and “my God is so BIG!” over and over again for an hour and a half. I was drained from singing a 30 second over 90 minutes but i really loved every minute.. praying that she’ll hold those words in her heart and know that God is so good to her.

i had a picture of her playing the guitar.. but i can’t find it… but wearing the guitar bag in this one (:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jad0PasjWl4

With Everything :]

รักประเทศไทย

I have the worst habit of updating blogs when its late at night and i have work to do. as i was sitting on the dining table of my apartment trying to study for my stats test tomorrow, I suddenly remembered the song “you won’t relent”

here are the lyrics:

I’ll set You as a seal 
upon my heart
As a seal upon my heart

For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters can not quench this love

You wont relent until you have it all
My heart is Yours 

For there is love that is as strong as death
Jealousy demanding as the grave
Many waters can not quench this love

Come be a the fire inside of me
Come be the flame upon my heart
Come be a the fire inside of me
Until You and I are one

I remember the week I came back from Thailand, we sang this song at my church’s Friday night fellowship and I cried my eyes out. Little did I know that that was the first of many times I’d cry because worshipping God made me realize how much our God loves us and loves the people in Thailand who don’t know him. 

Going back to that friday night where I heard this song for the first time… All my memories of Thailand were still so fresh and the burden in my heart for the people was still very new. Justin was leading worship and shared a story before we sang and he told us about how his friend, who went to China on missions, came to a realization how much God is faithful to love the Chinese…. how God pursue’s their hearts… when we as people fail to do so. As we began to sing the chorus over and over “you won’t relent until you have it all. my heart is yours”, it beautiful was it to know that our awesome, holy, omnipotent God is pursuing our hearts and deeply desires an intimate relationship with us. when we fall, stumble… mess up, God won’t relent until he has our whole heart. He offers forgiveness and reconciles us back to Him. but what got the tears flowing was when all the thai people i met that summer with popped into my head. The thought of the kids growing up without Jesus and living a life without true joy and purpose destroyed me… and I couldn’t do anything about it. I’m in american and they’re in thailand. the song continued “you won’t relent until you have it all…” my heart sank, how amazing it was to know that our God is pursuing the hearts of his children in Thailand.. in Japan, taiwan, honduras, america… everywhere.  Our God desire’s His children He calls for them… He wants you to be a coheir with Christ. the tears wouldn’t stop.. our God is amazing. Our perfect King loves sinners like us. I was overwhelmed by the greatness of our God.. He is still working in Thailand and we have to faithfully pray for the lost. 

He won’t relent