I am so exhausted. life just seems like nonstop papers, projects, midterms, worship practices, ministry, friends, life. It’s all good things, just need a breather. it’s good to know when life is busy an hard that God is faithful to carry us through and that He is in control of everything.

anyway, yesterday at aacf we actually had a full worship team and the very first song we lead was “Hosanna” by Hillsongs. I love this song and everyone’s favorite part seems to be the bridge 

“Heal my heart and make it clean 

 Open up my eyes to the things unseen

Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I walk from earth into 
Eternity”

that has always been my favorite part too but the 2 months I spent in Thailand changed this song for me forever. 

The night we ended up at Patpong Night bazaar - the red light district- was my single most difficult night in Thailand. I know i’ll never be able to fully communicate what i experienced that night, nor do i really ever want to… The street was lined with girls waiting for their customers that night and loud party music with flashing neon lights surrounded us. The darkness in that place was so thick that it felt heavy on my chest. I remember little girls running around the venders while men stood around “ordering” what they wanted from the girls. People kept coming up to us farangs (foreigners) assuming that that’s what we were here for. I peered inside one of the bars, curious to see what was like inside.. but i could only handle a few seconds. it was gross.. and dirty.. and a place that desperately needed Jesus. I know that every single one of the 4000 prostitutes on that street sit alone in the morning when their work is done and wonder if there is anyone who truly loves them. Their heart aches for someone tell them they love them in a pure way. They don’t know that Jesus is jealous for their hearts and he wants them.

We we finally made our way out of Patpong, our taxi ride back was silent at first. Our hearts were broken for what we saw. We cried for the girls, the kids, and even the men in that place. and thats when those words of Hosanna “break my heart for what breaks yours” came back to me. What an answered prayer. God sees prostitution every single day… he sees sin destroying our lives and his heart breaks… He broke my heart for what breaks his. and it was so painful. I think what a lot of us don’t realize is what a scary prayer it can be to ask God to break our hearts. That night is forever imprinted in my heart… and it still hurts when I remember the brokeness in that place. and so last night while we were singing the Hosanna… i was almost afraid to sing the words. There is so much brokeness that only God sees. and tho it can be almost scary to have our hearts break, it is also special to catch a glimpse of God’s heart… that I may learn to care for the things God cares about.. that i may love those who God loves.

It’s a blessing to join God in his ministry and to be used by him.

and so… I pray that God will give me the strength for the next time he breaks my heart for what breaks his.